Sta.sh
The epic scene: I, a super hero, stanced in front of my arch-enemy, a super villain whose only intention is to make me suffer.
I, a lone hero in his white suit stained with blood of battles and triumphs over evil am staring a black dilemma in the face with every solution hidden from me.
He stares at me, his arms stretched out, like he's going to catch me if I should fall forward. His eyes are red, and glowing, and are trying to penetrate my concentration. We stand still, waiting for someone to move.
Our eyes don't budge from each other.
My true love shivers behind me, frightened, thinking about who might die tonight.
What can I do for you now? I think. We're all stuck.
Fuck.
That vile piece of shit thinks he can abduct my love with no consequence? Was I supposed to let her die? Let him burn a hole through her body with his death laser? Why her?
He's trying to get my powers from me. That's his objective. He doesn't care about her, I know it. If I let him have me then we won't hurt her. That is the price I must pay.
She starts breathing so heavy behind me that her voice starts huffing through her breaths.
Calm down, honey. Please. You'll live.
But she doesn't calm down. Her voice turns from huffs under her breaths to little cries and then eventually to screams.
DO SOMETHING ALREADY, GODDAMN YOU BOTH!
I can see the look on her face without looking at her. Sweet dark brown eyes with red encroaching on them and tears spilling down her cheeks, her head shaking from the tension between him and I.
He suddenly moves his hands to his pocket and I attack. I jump at speeds unimaginable on top of him and pull his cape behind and around his neck and pull. He struggles for half a second, and throws me off and onto the floor, and my back crashes to the ground and breaks the tiles into little black mirrors that I can see the whites of my eyes in.
He immediately stands up and so do I and he has his laser in his hands, but it's pointed at my love.
So this is what it all comes down to. I whisper.
We both knew it. Even she knew it. He says with a horrible glare. She screams in the background.
She doesn't have to die, you know. You give up and give me your powers and I will let her go. It's your choice.
Tears start to well in my eyes.
Can't blink I tell myself can't blink.
His red eyes penetrate into me and my train of thought is gone. Oh God. She screeches in the background and all the sounds rush away from me. Just the face of evil laughing with its nose pointed down at me.
How can anyone win in this? It's impossible. We'll stay stuck forever.
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-Yes, I believe the whole "It goes on forever thing" kinda added to it.
-It was cool, the scene in the beginning kept me reading, and having that in the middle allowed me to not have to read TO long to have to figure out whats going on.
-Great use of fonts
I think it works perfectly that you don't end the story one way or the other. You were thinking about political detente when you wrote this...but it also wraps up that peculiar superhero detente, too. Batman and the Joker, Luthor and Suerman, they never stop fighting because the fight has come to define them, and they can't bear the alternative.
Finally, the only thing that bothers me about entering a fight in the middle is that the "true love" has no substance. The hero and the villain are deftly outlined in this minimal eternal archetype style, and then she shows up. She's not epic; she's puppy eyes and a voice box. Plotwise, she huffs and screeches (literally) and detracts from the real action without adding to it. By the end of it I wanted the villain to shoot. If this was a slowly unwinding story, and I was able to grow to like her and her relationship with the hero, the pointless theatrics wouldn't bother me nearly so much. This is such a short piece, though, and it's supposed to be THE epic scene. I think it's fair to want her (the "true love") to come off not as another scream queen but as equally epic and iconic as "the hero" and "the villain." Right now she's just...less. I hope you'll consider rewriting her, because I think this could be really great if you went all out to make it truly EPIC
I agree with you about the true love. The situation in my head while I was putting her into the story was mostly angry protesters and parents who lost their children in war and people like that who scream for change and don't get results, sort of causing them to freak out.
I guess she didn't really come off as that, I should pay more attention to how I present my characters
Thank you!!
Unfortunatly, I have not yet visited that part of the world so can no say how accuratly it links up with the poltical situation for the people of that country but I can understand the fear of being 'stuck forever' in poltical turmoil and unrest.
Though it does appear to have been written very quickly and a little randomly, that does add to the overall affect and I love the superhero metaphore. Good work and keep writing.
thanks for the great critique and for reading!